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“Sometimes you just want to run away.” Carolyn turned over the bottle of bath salts in her hand, holding back tears as I suggested she treat herself. I could see her jaw clench as she put the bottle back on the shelf. “I cannot give in to my needs,” she said in a nearly angry tone.

I find in my work that comforting the caregiver is one of the harder tasks. Yes, I am able to offer caregivers tools and resources to help them help the ones they care for. This does bring a certain type of relief to the caregiver, to be sure. But, I am speaking about the kind of comfort and relief that helps caregivers focus on themselves and their needs. Carolyn’s reaction is one of the more common ones when a family member is overwhelmed with the responsibilities of care giving. With deep emotion lying just below the surface, many caregivers will harden to hold themselves together. They will push aside any suggestion that they need to do something tangible for themselves, like taking a warm, relaxing bath once a week. Those who study the psychological and physical impact of care giving say that what is often going on is worry that if they let this guard down, they will crumble. They will indeed run away or lie down and not get up again.

Emily Post wrote in the 1920s about caring for the grieving. Offer them small bites of food. Don’t ask if they want to eat; they’ll always say no. Provide a warm blanket while they sit and stare or weep. And listen. Listen.

Multigenerational living under one roof years ago ensured that everyone had personal experiences with death and dying. Modern culture leaves many of us unprepared when a loved one begins the journey of dying whether through illness or injury.

Most likely you know someone, maybe it is even you, who has moved from a fairly spacious home to a room-sized home. There are many reasons for moves like this, and happily, there are a lot of good choices about where that room-sized home is located. Today, I’m thinking about the process itself of making that decision, about the many layers of decisions and the emotions that go with them.

Recently, I have had the opportunity to be part of several events honoring caregivers. It’s a fairly new phenomenon, focusing on the caregiver. For eons caregiving has just happened as part of familial responsibilities, friendship or obligation. And if the caregiver was lucky enough to have a loving and caring circle around him or her, all the better. Now, it is more frequent that caregivers can find comfort and solace at conferences focusing on the caregiver, pampering events, or socials designed to bring caregivers together to share their stories, get some attention, and find additional resources to help fortify them for the hard work ahead.

When you are the one to provide care for someone who faces a permanent or temporary illness, injury or other condition, you know instantly that your world has changed. Not only does your day require more hours than ever before, but you require more stamina, patience and support than ever before. Some might be more suited to the tasks ahead, but life often does not give you the choice or test for your competencies.